We are about to take off into the New Year.

Please ensure that your standards are in an upright position. At this time, all self-destructive devices should be turned . Should we lose altitude under pressure during our flight, reach up and pull down a prayer – prayers will be activated by faith. Once your faith is fully activated you can assist other passengers.

There will be no baggage allowed on this flight. The captain has cleared us for take off. Destination: GREATNESS!

Enjoy your flight!

IMMEASURABLE BLESSINGS for you and your families for the NEW YEAR!!

What to do in order to feel better about rising gas prices? Laugh about it! Check out Gas Price Jokes.Com, the place to get all the hilarious cartoons, photoshopped pictures, jokes and other humor that pokes fun at the really serious subject matter of higher gas prices.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. Eventually she asked the cop, ‘What does it look like?‘. The blonde policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.‘

The blonde driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it. And handed it to the blonde policewoman. ‘Here it is,‘ she said. The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.‘

Why is this being said? Well, just recently, scientists at a Montreal university released the results of a recent study that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. It is believed that Men should take a serious look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones, and that by drinking enough beer, men actually turn into women (temporarily).

The proof of the theory was in a test where within a one hour period, 100 men each drank eight pints of beer. It was then observed that ALL the test subjects, yes, 100% then:

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional
6. Couldn’t drive.
7. Failed to think rationally, and
8. Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Terrorist Plots Discovered – 0
Transvestites – 193
Hernias – 1,675
Hemorrhoid Cases – 3,452
Incontinence – 6,478
Enlarged Prostates – 8,659
Breast Implants – 59,425
Natural Blondes – 6

Telephone call transcript:

“Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?”

“No, Mrs. Palin. It’s Yom Kippur.”

“Well, hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?”

IF YOU DON’T GET IT, YOU’RE JUST AS DUMB!

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For persons who suffer from high blood pressure – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.